At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all was that I took her to Italy for our 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get her."
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
May 8, 2008
Apr 28, 2008
Mother Superior
Have you heard about the young girl from Bavaria
Who had a virginal interior
Until one night a monk
Jumped into her bunk
And now she's a Mother Superior.
Apr 17, 2008
Mar 6, 2008
Samson had long hair
A Rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father about use of the family car.
His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades
up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk
about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father
about his use of the car. The rabbi said, "Son, I am very proud of you. You
have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."
The Rabbi said, Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked".
His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades
up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk
about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father
about his use of the car. The rabbi said, "Son, I am very proud of you. You
have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."
The Rabbi said, Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked".
Jan 26, 2008
Typing the wrong email address
from Renee
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Jan 10, 2008
Quiche
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House. Theattractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like abowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink andslight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,"and the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over and whispers to Bush... "It's pronounced 'quiche'."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink andslight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,"and the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over and whispers to Bush... "It's pronounced 'quiche'."
Dec 5, 2007
Nov 20, 2007
This Year's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
Nov 7, 2007
A rose
Eleanor Roosevelt:
"They named a rose after me, and I was very flattered - until I read the following description in the catalogue: 'Not good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.'"
"They named a rose after me, and I was very flattered - until I read the following description in the catalogue: 'Not good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.'"
Oct 12, 2007
Recipe for Roast Beef
1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.
When the little one burns, the big one is done.
1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.
When the little one burns, the big one is done.
Jan 21, 2007
Golf shot
Lou stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner Richie asked, "What in the world is taking so long?"
"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Lou explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
His partner Richie exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Finally his exasperated partner Richie asked, "What in the world is taking so long?"
"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Lou explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
His partner Richie exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Oct 11, 2005
When I'm an old lady
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
And bring so much happiness...just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture. ..wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
When they cook dinner and call me t o eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels
I'll click, I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
God Bless All Moms and Grandmas Everywhere!
And bring so much happiness...just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture. ..wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
When they cook dinner and call me t o eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels
I'll click, I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
God Bless All Moms and Grandmas Everywhere!
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